Justin Schuck | JustinSchuck.com/blog

As a gay American, I find that some of my greatest struggles with the Catholic church revolve around the issue of gay marriage and civil equality.

The teachings and history of Jesus Christ tell us that he embraced the most oppressed, the most burdened and did whatever he could to reduce their oppression and remove their burdens. Why anyone would use ancient documents written at a time when so little was understood about our world, the weather, our universe, to fuel hateful rhetoric and actions, is beyond my understanding.

This same book tells us that eating shellfish is a sin, along with eating pork, wearing two different types of cloth, mixing milk and meat, and so on. Should we execute everyone who has a ham on Christmas, that certainly would have eliminated my entire family tree. Or should we deny people the right to eat a cheeseburger? Has the affordable fashion industry committed a gross massacre of sins with their cotton-poly blends? (Well, that may still be up for debate. Just don't take away my cotton-cashmere sweater.) When in the course of human history do we decide to add a healthy dose of rationality with our Sunday sermons?

A church's duty should be to fight injustice, stick up for those with the smallest voice, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, serve the poor in pocket and lift up the poor in spirit. Who are we serving when we as a nation vote to restrict the rights of fellow humans who are living the life that God created for them?

Cenk Uygur made an interesting point on HuffingtonPost.com: "So, from now, I would like to tell the Rick Warrens of the world, you are perfectly allowed to say how much you would like to take gay people's rights away from them based on the Bible so long as you agree to do one thing first -- execute an adulterer. If you can do that for me, then I'll believe that you actually believe in the Bible literally and will accept your literal argument against homosexuality. Fair is fair. Step on up."

I long to see the day when philandering Christians are cast out and stoned for their incredulous behavior.* I hope the "married but looking" set at AshleyMadison.com are using protection. And may God help those lost souls looking for casual encounters on Craigslist. Sex outside of the bonds of marriage is striclty forbidden. And what of the children causing a ruckus? You know, the ones who were running around the restaurant throwing temper tantrums because they don't like ketchup on their chicken nuggets? The punishment for a disobedient child is also execution. The bottom line is that history has provided us with countless laws that seem comical to us now. What we as a human race need to understand is the adverse affect that these campaigns of hate and ignorance have on individuals who are seeking truth in their own lives.

This spring I was confronted with a crisis of a very serious nature: a friend attempted to take his own life and nearly succeeded. To protect this friend's anonymity, I will call him "Tim."

Tim was an acquaintance, a friend of my brother's. I remember at one point a few years back that my brother had asked me if I thought Tim was gay. I said I didn't know, but Tim was very cute (hot actually), so I began to pay a more attention to the way he carried himself. I was never really sure about his sexuality, except for the occasional glance here and there that gave me pause. One thing I did notice about Tim was his abuse of alcohol and his tendency of drink to the point of passing out. I don't, as a general rule, have friends who drink and behave that way. That kind of destructive behavior is distracting. (Not that I'm not guilty of an accidental binge once or twice a year...)

Anyhow, Tim sent me an email or two in February asking if I would want to "hang out" with him, perhaps as a "date." I could tell from the phraseology used in the message that he was hesitant, and unsure, but Tim knew that I was openly gay and wouldn't pass judgment. We messaged a little bit back and forth, yet made no firm plans to meet up, mostly because I was hesitant about his drinking. I was scared to reach out to him because I just felt that I couldn't handle the added "stress" of being a friend to someone who clearly had issues he needed to deal with. (And his attractiveness was an added distracting factor.)

Fast forward about a month. I get a call from my brother, who was coming over to my house to have dinner, telling me that Tim is in the hospital, he tried to kill himself, and he's lost a lot of blood. This isn't the first time that I've been close to someone who attempted suicide either. (SIDEBAR: I have way too much experience with the various causes of death for someone my age.) A feeling of sorrow, shame and guilt washed over me. "How could I let this happen? What if I were there, or had shown more interest or been a better friend?" I asked myself. Tim reached out to me and I showed him a closed door.

It was quickly determined that the primary motivating factor in Tim's attempt was his shame at being gay, and his fear of living an open life. His older sister had come out of the closet some years before and was roundly shunned by their parents. Tim's sister moved out of the country and hasn't returned since. The weight of his parent's reaction to his sister, and societal fear and misunderstanding of what it means to be gay, proved to feel too painful for him to continue living.

My brother and their friends spent the first day with Tim, through the surgeries to repair his lungs and chest. I was anxious. I couldn't sleep much that Sunday night, so I did some research to learn as much as I could about suicide. With the help of my longtime friend Alison Malmon and her organization Active Minds, I was able to find the books, pamphlets and other resources that would help me help Tim and his family. I also turned to Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, and PFLAG for their many valuable resources.

I worked through the night reading, reviewing, and printing out countless documents on suicide, addiction and coming out. I prepared an entire binder's worth of material for Tim and his family to read. I chose to visit the hospital on Monday at midday, when his friends and parents would be at work. At first I was worried that he would feel embarrassed or ashamed by my presence, or that I would say the wrong thing. Tim and I weren't very close and had never shared more than idle chit chat, but I felt this was a profound opportunity to help him positively change the direction of his life. I packed a bag with some goodies (clementines, peanut butter crackers, some candy, a portable DVD player and some movies to go along with all the information I put together), and headed off to George Washington University Hospital.

I felt anxious as I crossed the threshold of the hospital, but the gentle security guard at the front desk pointed me in the right direction, removing some of the fear. The corridor from the elevator to Tim's room seemed endless. Thoughts of rejection ran through my head like a bad 80's horror montage, but the surprise and delight on Tim's face when he saw me approach his room was spectacular. It wasn't some grand, effusive moment, but I could see Tim's face lighten. I sat in an uncomfortable chair next to his bed while the nurses took their measurements. We didn't talk much because it was March Madness, but he continued to smile. I offered the clementine and he told me those were his favorites. Score one for Justin. Tim was too weak to peel the tangerine, so I had a moment to feel like a dad and take care of him. We joked about hospital food and the poor selection of TV channels.We both agreed that it was a good thing there was college basketball to watch.

I visited Tim every day he was in the hospital. I came twice a day some times, saving him from horrible hospital food and the often creepy company of the various "Nurse Ratcheds" who haunted his wing at GW. One night I hopped into bed with him and held his hand. There was nothing sexual about the move. Sometimes human touch is a more powerful pain reliever than any drug because it helps heal a broken heart. Tim and I would watched movies or play cards until the night nurse told me I had to leave.

Tim told me how he felt it was too hard to be gay. He tried to live a gay life when he was in college, but it didn't work. He often talked about how "society views [homosexuality]." I told him flat out that he needed to change his environment. Living at home with mom and dad, hanging out with unsupportive fair-weather friends, and excessive drinking had helped bring him to where he was at that moment. Tim and I talked about finding his "center" as I call it, and learning how to be happy on his own. I learned a long time ago that happiness isn't a gift from God for good behavior. I wanted Tim to know that he has a friend, and an ally in me, and I showed him that he wasn't going through this alone. As it turns out, an ally is what he was missing most.

We all need a friend who will fight for us when we are weak, lift us up when we are down, and guide us to the path of a better and more productive life. This is the real lesson of Christ's life and what we should remember this holiday season. This is how true Christians should approach gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgendered, intersex, queer, and questioning individuals. An army of love is more powerful than an army of hate. As a people, we may lose a battle here and there, but the war is ours to win.

Gay marriage isn't about altering a religious definition of the union between two people. Gay marriage is about putting fairness, and respect back into the system. It's about allowing families to stay together, to weather the storms of illness and death as free and equal citizens in the eyes of the law regardless of the makeup of a family. Families come in all shapes and sizes, with mommies and daddies, or just one mommy, or just one daddy, or no parents and just older siblings, or grandparents, or two daddies or two mommies. Love is the only ingredient needed to grow a family, and it is this element that should be nurtured and promoted. We as Americans, as Christians need to focus more on respecting one another, supporting laws that treat everyone equally, and returning to the "big tent" country we set out to be 232 years ago. I'm proud to be a gay American and I look forward to a new year filled with hope.

UPDATE: I'm proud to report that Tim is living an open and honest life, he's found love and is living on his own. He's turned the corner is able to see a happy future for himself.

* I do not actually advocate than anyone be stoned for any reason, unless it involves an EZ-wider and some righteous ganja.

ALSO POSTED AT GLEE.COM/JUSTINSCHUCK + FAITHBASE.COM/JUSTINSCHUCK

Labels: America, Blog, ENDA, FMA, Gay, Gay Issues, Gay Marriage, Holidays, HRC, Human Rights Campaign, Justin Schuck, LGBT, News, PFLAG, Suicide

# posted by Justin Schuck : 12:46 PM 0 Comments Links to this post

20 October 2009

Philip Spooner

29 December 2008

Gay Marriage and the story of "Tim"

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